My husband is building me a desk.
I accepted a new position that allows me to work from home. Mike also works from home, so he has to make room in his office for a new coworker. The desk we have now is simply not big enough for the two of us, so he decided to build one.
I guess what I really should be saying is that he’s building US a desk. Not just me.
Why am I telling you this? Well… because there’s an important lesson about marriage behind this simple statement.
You see, my Christmas present to my husband are tickets to see one of his favorite comedian, Tom Segura. At the end of February, we will be taking a little road trip to Buffalo, New York to have a few laughs and make new memories with each other. Not to pat myself on the back, but I knew I nailed it this year.
My mistake? I expected the same “extravagant” gift from him. I sent ideas of what I wanted, places I would like to go, but on Christmas morning, my gift was a desk lamp for when I start to work from home. I can admit, at first, I was disappointed. I spent over $100 on the tickets, and I knew this lamp was maybe $20, as it was on my Amazon wishlist. And then it hit me.
I was expecting me from him. And let me tell you, that’s not fair in any relationship. While he didn’t spend a whole bunch of money on my Christmas present, he wanted me to have something to open up on Christmas day. While he didn’t spend a lot of money on the present I actually opened, I remembered how much money we spent on wood in order to build the desk exactly the way we want it. He’s spending TIME to build the desk. Time to figure out the exact measurements so that it fits just right. Time to build and sand and paint it. And then I loved my Christmas gift. And I smiled.
Mike and I have been together for 13 years, half our life. We’ve been married for 6 of those years. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m still learning what it means to be a partner. We’re given this idea of what love is “supposed” to look like, right? We see movies, read fictional novels, and believe everything is as it seems online. It makes us believe we’re supposed to be receiving flowers every week, a box of chocolate for no reason at all, dinners by candlelight, and big surprises like a trip or a new car. Unrealistic expectations. At least for most of us.
I’ll tell you right now, Mike is not the romantic type. Flowers, chocolates, candlelight dinners, those are things that happen rarely. I used to critique and complain about the things he wasn’t doing; I never stopped to appreciate what he was doing. He works from home and helps take care of our kids while doing so. He plays “big movement” games with the kids because I have asthma and can’t handle those kinds of games for very long. He’s helped get up with crying babies in the middle of the night. He has dinner made for all of us when I get home from work. He watches the kids when I need a night out without making me feel guilty about it. He talks to me every day on the phone when I’m on my lunch break to see how my day is going. He always asks me if I need anything when he’s running to the store. He does his share of the chores around the house. He shovels the driveway when it snows and does most of the yard work. When I said I wanted to start this blog, he supported me. And even when we disagree, he is still respectful. I could go on and on.
I got into a bad mindset last year. I was so upset within myself that it got projected onto the people around me, especially on my husband. I stopped looking for the ways he showed his love and only focused on what he wasn’t doing. I stopped communicating what I needed or wanted because I convinced myself if he wanted to do something for me, he would; I didn’t think I needed to tell him. I turned everything around to be his fault without fully understanding his point of view.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been with someone- communication is ALWAYS important. Mike and I are not the same as when we met. We were kids. We’re still learning. And I’m not afraid to admit I’m still learning how to be a good partner. One of my goals for 2022 is to be a good wife… and never stop trying to achieve that. Because that’s what marriage is. You never give up on each other. Life doesn’t stop just because you’ve done the marriage thing, you’ve had kids. you bought the house. We still have the rest of our lives to go even if we hit the milestones early on in our life together. Our relationship will continue to change as we face new challenges, as well as celebrations. Being together since we were kids and practically growing up together, I felt lost for a while on who I was as an individual. I’m learning how to be “me” without titles, and as I do so, Mike is still there to cheer me on, and vice versa. Us being our own individuals while also striving to work on our marriage has allowed us to remain strong. As Maren Morris put it, “the house don’t fall when the bones are good.”
So, he’s building me a desk. And as I sit at our soon-to-be desk, I will be constantly reminded of how loved I really am.
