My husband made a comment to me to the other day. He told me he has noticed a change in me. He said he could tell my anxiety hasn’t been as high, I haven’t been as stressed, and my overall energy has been different. He told me that my change has in turn impacted him, and even the kids. It makes me sad to think that my mood affected my family so much, but it’s the truth. If I don’t take care of myself, how can I expect to properly care for them?
As I reflect on where I was this time last year, I do see a change in myself. Last year, I was overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety. I was constantly overthinking situations. I was people-pleasing to the point I turned my back on my morals and values. I didn’t stand up for myself, or really for anything, so I fell for everything. I didn’t feel strong enough to be who I was. My confidence and self-esteem were low. I sought out external validations. And it got to the point where I almost felt addicted to it. That hit of dopamine I got from these external validations kept me coming back for more and more because I felt like I truly needed it. In reality, I just wanted to be loved. Don’t we all?
But the way I was seeking love… that’s not the way to find it. That’s how you find yourself in situations and relationships that aren’t good for you. It was hard to overcome the behaviors and habits I’ve done my whole life. It was hard to let go of certain people. It was hard to stop dancing with the devil I knew and start dancing with the unknown. But it was worth it. It was beautifully painful. It was exactly what I needed to get to where I am today.
I’ll admit that not every day is full of self-love and the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. I’m still learning to love myself. And that’s okay. Because the only person I’m comparing myself to is the person I was last year.
I’m more confident. I love myself more. My priorities have changed. My circle has changed. My energy is different.
I’m proud of myself for getting to this point. I stopped holding myself together and let the pieces fall. I looked at them for a while. Trying to figure out which pieces belonged to me, and which belonged to other people. I spent so much time letting other people decide who I was; It was time for me to decide this and show the world. And at that point, I was able to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
But this wouldn’t be the only hill I had to overcome. I had to learn that not everyone is going to like me. And be okay with that. As someone who constantly needed external validation to feel any kind of self-worth, this hill would be particularly difficult. But as someone who reached the top of that hill, it is completely possible. I might roll back down to the bottom, but each climb back up gets easier and easier. Someone having a bad experience with me doesn’t define me. I have skeletons in my closest, but who doesn’t? The fact I want to be better, do better, and the fact I am actively working on changing what I actually need to change tells me I am a good person, despite what someone else might say about me. It’s like if someone came up to me and told me I’m wearing a goofy hat when I’m not even wearing a hat at all. Why would I let someone else’s perception of me change the way I view myself?
I’ve kept focus on this mindset. I’ve learned to confidently be myself. I’ve learned to love myself. And in doing so, I’ve attracted the right people into my life. You are the energy you surround yourself with. Choose wisely.
Self-love is a choice. It’s a mindset. I’ve had to actively work through my past, my mistakes, the things that have hurt me, and do so in a way without criticizing myself or letting myself believe I am any less because of these things. I no longer let others change the way I see myself- nor do I let them continue to be a contributing factor in my life. I’ve decided what I wanted my life to look like, and anything that doesn’t resonate with that image that I’m working to manifest is not welcome. I went through hell to get to this point, but I’m coming out better than ever before.
I’ve made a lot of healthy lifestyle changes. I changed jobs back in January, I’ve cut out certain people from my life, I’m not on my phone/social media as often, I’m focused on mindfulness and my spirituality, I’m more active and doing a lot of yoga, eating healthier, drinking more water, and doing more of what makes me happy. All these little things have helped make big improvements. There was a time last year I didn’t think I was going to be able to get to this point. I deserve to be celebrated just by being me and learning to love myself.
Things are different compared to that of last year. And I’m thankful for it.
