I’ve been trying to find a place.
A place I can finally put down my shield.
Take off the armor.
And do so safely.
My heart wants to run through an open field.
But my mind is stronger.
It tells me I can’t.
The noise in my head is very, very loud.
And I tell it to quiet down.
It can’t hear me.
Or maybe it’s just not listening.
No one can hear me.
I want to be seen.
I want to be loved.
So badly that I’ll take the pain.
Now look at me.
I’m broken, battered, bruised, and bloody.
I’m stuck.
The pain is too much.
I hope you’ll stay, but you’ll probably leave.
Because in the end, it’s just me against me.
A Note From Me About This Post:
I had originally written this post back in the beginning of June, but the idea was in my head for quite some time. About this time last year, I was really struggling with a lot of things. I broke my own moral compass trying to numb the pain. And I lost my way for a while. At one point, I didn’t think I would be able to get through the situation I had put myself in. But as they say, growth is uncomfortable, so I kept on pushing through.
I realized I needed space to let myself completely fall apart, and then put myself back together again. I had to shed myself of the pieces that no longer served me, no longer fit, and put in the pieces I desired. I learned how to accept and love myself. I was finally able to rid myself of codependent relationships because I was able to see that I could be happy with just me. Everything shifted from here on out. And I mean EVERYTHING.
This writing is about finding yourself. It’s about breaking down your own damn walls that you built up because someone made you feel like you weren’t good enough. It’s about listening to your heart and turning everything over to the Universe that doesn’t resonate with what your heart is telling you. It’s about screaming at the top of your lungs hoping someone will hear you, but realizing they are tuning you out with their own assumptions, their own viewpoints. (That’s on them, not you.) It’s about realizing that the only person you have to show up for is you. The only person you are competing with is you. The only person you need to prove anything to is you. Your ego is YOU. The bad parts of you, the parts of you that want you to stay in your comfort zone because it’s easier. Growth. Isn’t. Comfortable. You are what you surround yourself with. You attract what you put into this world.
I can’t make you stay with me if you don’t want to. And the mindset I was in last year, I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with me either. But I couldn’t leave me. I can’t leave me. So, I turned myself into someone I wanted to be around. Someone I admire, love and cherish. And I learned if someone doesn’t want to be around me, that’s their loss. Not mine. “I hope you’ll stay, but you’ll probably leave. Because in the end, it’s just me against me.”
