*The original version of this post I decided to keep to myself. A reminder for me for all the things I am letting go of in order to set myself free. There are things in the original version that I’m not ready to talk about in detail. One of those things being something that happened to me that only my husband and my therapist know about. But a lot of what I said I felt is still important to share, so here’s what I felt comfortable sharing with you all. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading and being here on this journey with me.*

Growth is uncomfortable. Change can be good or bad, within your control or out of your hands. Either way, adapting is crucial to surviving.

When we welcome and embrace the change so willingly, it’s normally something exciting, something we can immediately see the good it will do for us. It’s something that brings us happiness.

The changes that hurt us can be harder to accept, harder to embrace. We aren’t always ready for the life adjustment that comes with it. And sometimes it has baggage, making it all the more heavier for us to carry on our shoulders. How do we get through the storm?

I think the most common advice is “one day at a time.” And while I do agree you have to take each day as it comes, I also understand how heavy those days can feel. Sometimes I feel like my heart is made of cement and it’s just weighing me down. I’m still able to stand and walk and go about my day, but there’s this looming cloud over me nonetheless. Some days just feel heavier than others. And sometimes, it’s too much to bear. It can be so overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point I don’t want to be here anymore. But it’s not long before I realize it’s not that I don’t want to be here, it’s that I want to be free from the hurt and the pain. Free from the depression and anxiety. I want to feel alive. And truly happy.

I had to take on major responsibility at a young age. Things didn’t exactly lighten up as the years went on. I was faced with new challenges, things a lot of people never have to face themselves. My marriage, friendships, and core values became at risk due to decisions I made in order to not feel the hurt anymore. I hurt the people I care most about. I lost who I am and had to rebuild myself.

Marriage vows are put in place for a reason. “For better or for worse.” My husband and I have a different dynamic to our relationship than most people. We’ve been together for half our lives and never had much of an experience outside of each other. We had our daughter at a young age, and our son faces several health challenges. These are all things meant to tear people apart. We’ve faced a lot of struggles and challenges, but at the end of the day, we still choose each other. We are still “new” at this in a way. We’ve never been married before each other. We’ve never had real serious relationships outside of each other. We’re still learning, and that has to be okay in order for the marriage to prosper. There’s this idea of what marriage should look like, but we’ve accepted our journey is different. We’re okay with what it may look like from the outside looking in. We’re okay with whatever others’ opinions may be. Because they aren’t in it. It’s not their life. And until you’ve experienced the things we have, you can never fully understand it. Our marriage is between the two of us, and therefore, opinions are unwarranted. I’m letting go of the expectations of what others think our marriage should be and what it should look like.

I’ve let go of people in my life who I felt weren’t good for me. Those decisions didn’t come easy. I gave out more second chances then I can remember, but I eventually realized the patterns were staying the same. It came to the point where the only way I would heal was to cut them off. But I’ve also been on the other end of that, and I’ve lost friends I wasn’t ready to let go of. The memories hit. Hard. Like a ton of bricks inside my brain. I hyper-focus on the happy moments. Which makes it all the more harder to let go. I have to learn that the memories are part of the past. It’s not the reality of now. Things happen and people change. Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing past the good, and so I need to constantly put myself in situations to show myself that people don’t care. If I believe for even a second that they do, I don’t let go. I will continuously hurt myself again and again until I learn my lesson. It’s only then that I can let go of people. But I’m stuck in a weird place because I regret the pain it caused others, but I don’t regret how I chose to heal. How I chose to survive. The absence of a parent. Emotional abuse. A child with brain tumors. Maybe some of my decisions don’t make sense to people, but no one gets to decide how I gripped with reality on things out of my control. No one. That thing I’m not ready to talk about? Just know it was also out of my control. I’m sorry if you got caught in my storm, I truly am. I know I’ve hurt people closest to me. I know I’ve made toxic decisions. Hurting others was never intentionally on my agenda. But when the waves are crashing down on you, you’ll do just about anything to catch your breath. It’s not an excuse, but to begin to heal, I need to understand for myself why I did certain things, especially from this past year. I’m starting to see others’ point-of-view on certain things, and I get it now. I’m not proud of myself, but I can’t keep defining myself by my past. I found a temporary happiness to hide all the hurt, all the pain, and I lost who I am in the process. I’m not the same person I was last year or even 3 months ago. I’m in the right direction now, but I still have a long way to go. My healing is my focus right now. I’m letting go of people who are no longer a positive impact on my life. I’m letting go of the things, the situations, that caused me pain. I’m letting go of things I can’t control. I’m letting go of the past; I am not it’s prisoner & I will move forward.

I’m at a place in my life where I have to remind myself that I’m not a bad person. I’ve made bad decisions, but I’m not a bad person. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now, I would do so many things over in a heartbeat. That’s not how life works, though. I have patterns I’m working to unlearn, new behaviors to integrate, and wounds to heal from. It takes time. I have to allow myself the time to heal and break free from all the traumas. I’m afraid of being happy. I know that sounds crazy; who’s afraid of being happy? But when you are faced with one major obstacle after major obstacle, it can feel scary to embrace happiness and love when all you’ve ever known is that it follows with sadness and anger. I self-sabotage so that I can expect the pain and it doesn’t catch me off guard. I have to remind myself every single day I’m not a bad person regardless of the picture that I’ve painted of myself. I lost my way for awhile, and I was on a road of self-destruction for too long. But I’m finding my way back again. Each day is an opportunity, another day closer, to becoming the woman I am striving to be. I’m letting go of old behaviors and welcoming happiness, love, and a better version of myself.

I can choose how I react to each situation; I do have that power, that control. I free myself from destructive doubt and fear. I free myself from the past; I am no longer that person. I free myself from the expectations of others. I free myself from people who are not good for me. I free myself from people I need to let go of as I heal. I free myself from pain and hurt. I’m setting myself free.