Dearest Alyssa,
If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, there was a point in time when you would freeze like a deer in headlights. Describing yourself was one of the worst things that could ever happen to you because…well…you didn’t know who you were. You knew what roles you played: mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, student, etc. But who were you outside of these roles? You felt like you had this expectation to be a certain way. If you weren’t, no one would like you. Not even your husband.
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?
Trying to live up to the expectations of other people… it’s going to absolutely destroy you. Deciding on things based on other people’s opinions…it’s going to make you lash out. You’ll have blonde hair because that’s what your husband likes. You won’t get a tattoo because he doesn’t like that. You’ll dress a certain way because you are a mom and feel like that’s how you should dress. And the craziest part of all… you won’t lose your husband if you go against what he prefers and when you learn to love yourself, you’ll realize none of this stuff matters because YOU like it. But learning to love yourself will be a battle.
Because you see, my dear, you didn’t learn how to love yourself as a child. You were taught how to people please. You were taught when someone tells you they love you or care about you, that should be enough- their actions don’t need to match it. You were taught to believe you were unloved, unlovable, and unwanted. You were slowly stripped away of your self-esteem, making it hard for you to maintain healthy relationships. But you won’t be self-aware of this until much later on.
Your journey of motherhood started out on a rougher road than most will endure. You were only 15. The joys that come normally with finding out your pregnant, especially with your first, didn’t get to happen to you. You were ridiculed. You were bullied. Bullied even by adults. You were made to believe that your life was over. You were told your daughter was going to have an awful life. Any amount of happiness you felt during your first pregnancy, you felt like you didn’t deserve. Who was 15, pregnant, and HAPPY? You were taught that you were not allowed to be happy. You were also taught you wouldn’t achieve anything more than being a slut. You were called many names. You were asked inappropriate questions by adults you didn’t even know. Questions like “Didn’t you have anything better to do?” You were threatened to be hit in the stomach by kids at school. To this day, you won’t understand it. You won’t understand the cruelty people felt they needed to bestow upon you. You’ll wonder why it matters to them. After all, it wasn’t their life it was affecting. My dear Alyssa, these are questions that will never get answered. You were taught how to doubt yourself and your abilities. You were taught you wouldn’t amount to anything. But what you will later learn is strength you never knew you had. You will learn just how resilient you really are. You will learn how to accept an apology you will never get. And you will get a second chance at experiencing pregnancy.
And now…your marriage. Yes, you marry the guy you’ve been with since you were 13. Surface level: you tell people you guys have been together for half your life, and they assume you have a fairytale love. But here’s the truth: real love stories aren’t like the fairytales. They require work. And a lot of it. By the time you both are seniors in high school, you’ll start to have some doubt. You’ll start to wonder what else could be out there. You’ll start to wonder if you are in way over your head. You’ll start to wonder who you are because this is all you’ve known. You became a mom at 15 and have been dating the same guy since 8th grade. That wonder turns into fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what to do. Fear of what everyone will think if you leave. You feel this expectancy of you. Nothing happened to make you question your relationship, you just… grew into a different person. And you were trying to figure out who that girl is. And my dear, that’s okay, but you will soon find the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. But you will fall in love with him all over again. Your communication will improve. Your relationship will become stronger than ever. And you’ll realize you are right where you are meant to be.
And darling, you are going to lose your best friend. And it’s going to hurt like hell. I know it’s hard to believe when you thought she’d be around forever. But my dear, that was your first mistake. You can’t expect people to stay. People aren’t property. You have to learn how to let go. I know that’s hard for you. I know that feels like abandonment all over again. But you were on a road of self-destruction for a really long time. Your self-destructive behaviors will affect those closest to you. And you, my dear, are going to hurt the ones you love in the process. You hurt them enough to make them walk away from you. This will be your rock bottom. This is where the hardest parts of the lesson come in. It’ll be hard to understand for a while. You’ll miss her tremendously. You’ll have no one to turn to. You’ll have no one to give you validation. (Your husband also knows your issues with this and starts to stand his ground on you loving yourself.) When no one wants to play these games with you, you just have to stop. You’ll take a long hard look in the mirror, and at first, you will hate yourself even more. Hate yourself for what you did. And hate yourself for the person you have become. But eventually, my dear, you get tired of feeling that way. So the only thing left to do… is love yourself. You forgive yourself. You become your own best friend. You have daily affirmation notifications come to your phone, and you speak them out loud to yourself. And one day… it feels good. It feels right. And that’s how you’ll know you are on your way to a better you. You’ll begin to see that you not only weren’t loving yourself properly, you weren’t loving the people around you properly. But don’t worry. You start to. You’ll begin to make positive changes, and the Universe will take notice. You will become the woman you’ve always strived to be. And you will be truly happy.
When you met Mike, you were going through a “dark” stage. After you met Mike, you became more girly like you had been your whole life. And yet, you will never feel authentically like yourself. Because you see, my dear, what you didn’t realize you were doing was conforming yourself. You conformed yourself to be the girl Mike was attracted to. You continued to conform yourself into the person you thought you should be because you became a mom- you dressed a certain way to appear “motherly.” You won’t get a tattoo with your best friend because your husband expressed his concerns with it. You’ll feel like he doesn’t want you to…so you don’t because that’s how you are. You’ll also keep your hair blonde because you feel like that’s what your husband likes. It’s no surprise that at some point, you would realize you weren’t happy with yourself, and you didn’t really feel like you knew who you were. That’s what happens when you try to conform to others’ standards of you. In the chaos of life, you became afraid to be your authentic self. You became afraid to speak your mind. That fear and that feeling of inability to break free, it slowly will rip you to shreds.
The day you learn to forgive yourself will be the start of the rest of your life. The day you finally feel in control. Because I know for a while, you felt anything but in control. You will learn that you are a person. YES. A person. A person outside of a mom and a wife. You are YOU. And you are beautiful inside and out. I’m sorry it took 27 years to realize that, but we’re here now. Halsey is your role model and you have a love for everything rose gold- meaning you’re going to find you are actually a person in between that “dark” and girly stage. And that’s okay. Future you is planning for your first tattoo and for you to try a hair color that goes outside the normal “blonde.” And guess what? Your husband knows and he still loves you. Wild, isn’t it? Finding the courage to be yourself will be the most beautiful journey you will ever be on.
Darling, I know you did your best with what you had and what you learned. But that doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. You had to fall completely apart before you could pull yourself back together. This time, you’ll arrange the pieces differently. You’re going places, my dear. Forgive yourself and keep working to be better. Your future you is thanking you for it.
In the words of Brad Paisley, “You’ll make it through this and you’ll see- You’re still around to write this letter to me.”
I’m thanking you for what you are doing for yourself right now. Keep learning to love yourself and everyone around you.
-Future You
