I’ve struggled with low self-esteem my whole life. Not that it’s something I wish upon anyone, but I always feel so alone in those struggles. I’m currently in one of these phases, so I thought I would share to maybe help someone going through the same thing. After all, if you can’t find what you are looking for, it’s up to you to create it, and be it, for yourself.
I’ve slowly been gaining the ability to love myself. But like every healing journey, it’s not a straight line forward. There’s a lot of backward stepping, running in circles, and getting lost with no sense of direction.
Loving yourself… it’s a mindset. It’s a choice. It’s a habit. When you’ve allowed yourself to speak negatively about yourself every day for years and years, you start to believe it. You become your bad thoughts. And that habit becomes hard to break.
It took me a long time to realize that my low self-esteem can actually affect more than just me. It has the power to affect those closest to me- those who try to love me. Because while they were trying to build me up, I kept tearing myself down. When they tried to show me my worth, I refused to believe them. When they tried to love me, I pushed them away in a variety of tactics because I convinced myself they weren’t going to stay anyway. And then when my awful energy was something they had to walk away from, I plummeted more because I never wanted them to leave.
Realizing that has taught me that I developed co-dependencies. This caused me to not develop healthy relationships with anyone around me.
My self-esteem has caused a lot of other issues in my life as well.
I’ve told myself time and time again I wasn’t worthy. Believing I actually was worthless was the product of my anxiety and depression. There are things in my past that were not in my control. There are also things in my past that were within my control, but I allowed for the villains in my head to take over. My insecurities have caused my own mind to play tricks on me. I’ve hated parts of me for so long, I’m not even sure which parts are true and which I’ve created in my head as being true. Inner demons do have the power to control what we say, do, and feel. If we let them. And boy, did I let them.
I’ve been insecure in all of my relationships. And I don’t mean just in romantic relationships. I mean in my friendships. My work relationships. My family relationships. I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough for the people in my life.
I have had a hard time meeting new people and going to new, unfamiliar places because I am so overly worried about how others will perceive me.
I lack self-trust. I’ve always conformed to who I surround myself with instead of being my true, authentic self. I worry immensely that I’ll make the wrong decision for myself, even though I know me best.
I’m constantly people-pleasing at the expense of my own needs.
I let the number of likes on social media posts and pictures define my worth. I’m constantly comparing myself to other girls. I would stare at the mirror and hate the person I was looking at. I didn’t find one bit of her beautiful.
And not reinforcing boundaries is one of those decisions that have proved time and time again that there are consequences.
When you have low self-esteem, you just feel like crap. And no matter how much people tell you that you aren’t, it doesn’t change how YOU feel about yourself. Only you can do that- it’s inner work.
Feeling bad about myself meant I tried harder to feel loved. The kind where I fished for compliments and was even promiscuous. But it was always only a temporary boost in confidence. It never lasted, but I kept doing it because the temporary was better than nothing. I just wanted the bad feelings to go away, and for a few minutes, they did. But after each high came the downfall, and I hit the bottom- HARD.
Because I didn’t WANT to be this way. But it was like I was in survival mode. I didn’t know how else to get me through my own storm.
I couldn’t stand being alone because I couldn’t stand being with myself. As humans, we don’t like to be around people we dislike, right? Same holds true for this situation- I disliked myself so I didn’t want to be with her. But I’m kind of stuck with her. For life. I had to learn how to be alone and be okay with just being with myself.
Becoming self-aware of my triggers and my feelings has actually helped me to improve my self-esteem. I still have my bad days, but I can feel myself getting better and better the harder I work at this.
I’m learning to speak kinder to myself- and about myself.
I’m learning to embrace all parts of me- including the parts I hate.
I’m learning to be secure in my relationships as I accept that the people who love me, love all of me. Flaws and all.
I’m learning how to love those people back and how to have healthy relationships.
I’m learning I WANT people in my life, but I don’t NEED them to feel whole and complete.
‘I’m standing in the ashes of who I used to be.”
As I learn to love myself, I pray it attracts new relationships, new friendships, into my life. I also pray it brings back certain old relationships so I can love them properly this time. And the ones who are still here- I pray I love you better than I did before.
My kids will grow up and start their own lives. My husband can choose at any time to leave me. (No one comment and say he won’t- that’s not the point of this.) But reality is, that goes for any person in my life. At some point, they can simply choose to walk away. And then I’m left with no one but myself. I have to learn to love her.
Be my own best friend. Be my own supporter. Be my own biggest fan. Be my own cheerleader.
I am me, and that’s enough. I’ll love myself through this.
