Think back to what your life looked like last year. I’d be willing to bet some things have changed. But I think that’s the wonderful thing about life. We are constantly adapting and changing, whether that would be for the better or the worst. Sometimes tragic things happen, and we are forced to adjust to our new normal. Sometimes we make positive transformations in the form of a career, relationships or even just within ourselves. Whatever it may be, it brought you to where you are today.
For me, this time last year was significant. I’m honestly kind of in shock a year has passed, but I’m also grateful because there was a point in time where I didn’t think I could make it. But here I am. Living authentically. Loving myself more than I ever have in my life. At peace with my demons and my past. And just being unapologetically me while also striving to reach my higher self.
This time last year, Ian was on chemo. And at this point, we were months into it, which caused more and more issues the longer he was on it. His blood counts were dropping more and more. Chemo would get delayed longer and longer because his blood counts were taking longer to bounce back. His energy was drained for longer periods of time, and he missed a lot of preschool because of all of these things. Today, Ian has been off chemo for 9 months and is flourishing! He’s been able to just be a kid and do the things other kids do. He started kindergarten and seems to enjoy it. He just seems like an overall happier kid, and we are so thankful for that.
This time last year, Gabby started middle school. I was extremely worried how she would do because of reports from her teachers in the past. “She’s emotional” “She’s forgetful” “She’s unprepared for class” Or my favorite: she would start to fail classes because she would tell me she did her homework when she didn’t. But 6th grade seemed to be a game changer last year. So much so, Gabby was given a letter of eligibility to join the National Junior Honors Society this year! Now, this doesn’t mean she’s been accepted, she has an application to fill out, but the mere fact she is eligible is amazing, and we couldn’t be more proud of her! We’ve also sat down with Gabby in an attempt to get her to open up to us more. As her parents, we want to be able to guide and support her, but it was hard when we knew there were certain things she was keeping from us. We were able to talk these hesitations out, and Gabby has been so much more receptive and open with us. Having an open line of communication with our pre-teen daughter was very important to me, and I’m thankful we have that now.
This time last year, my marriage was not where I wanted it to be. Because Mike and I got together at such a young age, we had to navigate our relationship with little to no experience about relationships. We also became parents at a young age, and fairly early into the relationship. I want this space, my blog, to be a place where I can be completely transparent because I feel like there’s a lot of things people don’t, and won’t, talk about. It just gets swept under the rug, and that’s where things start to fall apart. So for me, once we had Gabby, things did feel like “because I have to do this” mentality. Not just with our relationship, but with going to school, maintaining a job, and still being a good mom. I never took the time in my teen years to learn about myself. What I love, what I really wanted out of life, the kind of life I wanted to live, and the kind of person I wanted to be. I began to build up resentment, although at the time I couldn’t pinpoint this feeling so que years of this without working on myself, and it was a recipe for self-destruction. Our marriage was never “bad,” but I questioned what else was out there as a result of it all. I’m not proud of this feeling, but this is life. This is the real, raw truth. Last year, shit really hit the fan. We’ve been together since we were 13, we had our daughter at 15, we moved out at 19, we got married at 20, and then our son got diagnosed with brain tumors. We have gone through so many things that would tear anyone apart. It started to take its toll on both of us. We started to have a lot of miscommunication, and things started to get lost in translation. We hit our breaking point and had to decide where do we go from here? It was scary. Trying to decide what is best for you and your family and what’s going to make you the happiest. Because there’s so much fear of the unknown. But (obviously) we made the decision to keep going. We knew our relationship had immense potential if we both chose to keep working on it. We started from scratch, building a foundation for our marriage. Deciding what we each wanted out of life, out of a partner, and making sure our values matched. And once the storm settled and we were able to more clearly and openly communicate, I found Mike had a lot of the same feelings and fears that I mentioned earlier. I began to see things from a different perspective. I began to get the whole picture on certain situations, and we gained a deeper understanding about each other. For us, being able to have the room to make mistakes was important for the relationship to prosper. Being able to have the space to grow individually, as well as a couple, was important for the relationship to prosper. Being able to be completely open and honest with each other was important for the relationship to prosper. Our story is unique, so it requires us to understand the gray area in situations others may consider black and white. And although we understand each other’s pasts, we are holding ourselves and each other accountable for the present and future. It’s almost like we gave our relationship a breath of fresh air, and I’m thankful to be able to continue to water it and help it grow. Long lasting relationships require a lot of work. I’m grateful how strong and happy we are today, and I’m grateful for this life together.
This time last year, I saw my then-circle of friends for the last time. Although I didn’t know it at the time. I was a square block trying to fit into a circle space. I conformed into someone I’m not, trying to fit in where I didn’t belong, and went against my own values. I shaved off my own corners trying so desperately to squeeze in. Today, I’m left putting myself back together, but I’m thankful for it. It forced me to work on myself. It forced me to learn how to love myself. I learned how deep a friendship can be from some and what I didn’t want in a friendship from others. As much as it has hurt me to have to let go, I don’t regret learning how deep a friendship can be. I’m grateful for the transformation it brought me to today, and I can’t wait to see what’s behind the next door.
This time last year, I worked the front desk at a cancer center. I’m thankful for the people I met here and the opportunity to get my foot in the door with the company, but after some time in this position, it really took its toll on me. I was around cancer 24/7, going into that kind of work environment and then coming home to take care of Ian. Today, I have a new position that I absolutely love. I get to work from home, I have flexible hours, and I’m getting paid more for a job I find to be much less stressful. I’m so incredibly grateful for this change.
This time last year, I didn’t have this blog platform. I had so many thoughts constantly swirling around in my head. And then one day in November, I decided to just take a leap of faith and do this. I love being able to be transparent and putting my vulnerabilities out to the world helps me to gain more confidence. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from people about my blog and how it helped them because of how relatable it was. I love writing. Especially about my personal journey. I feel that I have a lot of unique perspectives and experiences to help others, and I’m grateful to use this space to do just that.
This time last year, I hated myself. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I felt like a lost soul just trying to get through day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. I was shrinking myself to fit in spaces that didn’t even want me to begin with. I felt small and like my life wasn’t even my own. I was a people-pleaser; I didn’t want to burden anyone or be a pain. I sacrificed myself in an attempt to make everyone around me happy. I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know what to do. Looking back, I remember how awful I felt, how much pain I was in, how much my heart was just aching with all the loss I was experiencing. I got stuck on the idea for a while that I brought much of it upon myself, and although I did make a lot of choices and decisions that led to self-destruction, I’ve been able to work through it and see that it didn’t come from a place of maliciousness. It came from a place of just wanting to be accepted and loved. In other words, those bad choices don’t make me a bad person, which is what I struggled with the most in accepting. But I was finally able to see the wonderful qualities about me. I love fiercely. I care deeply for others. I would drop everything and do anything to help those I care about. I’m the person who sees the good in everyone and will do what I can to help you see that in yourself. I’m the person who will support and encourage you. I am strong, and I am resilient. I can be weird and silly. I am kind, considerate, and compassionate. I am powerful, confident, and secure in who I am. There was always more to me than the page I was stuck on. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days when I’m hard on myself. Days where I get stuck in my past and start to hate myself again, but I’m still learning. I’m growing, and I’m better than the person I was last year. I am thankful to be where I am today, to be who I am today.
